This post was originally written December 16, 2008. At the time I posted it on my other Space and once I deleted the account I saved a lot of my posts because in many ways they perfectly captured what I was experiencing at the time. Today, four years later I find myself re-reading a lot of my old posts and have decided to repost them as I start to put pen to paper with new points of view that have occurred since this time...
Date: December 16, 2008
Love and Disease
When my father passed away he was 46 years old. He died of a heart attack. This was after a triple bypass surgery that he had had not long before the heart failure. When you look at photos of my father he looked healthy, was not overweight and for all intents and purposes was fine. Reality is that he worked two jobs and would come home from one only to go to the next. He did this because he wanted to provide for his family and give them more than they could imagine. What he failed to recognize is that what we (his children) needed was more time with him. I was four years old when he passed away and my siblings were ten, eleven and twelve years of age.
My mother passed away when she was 44 years old. This came only six years after my fathers passing. She was diabetic and had liver problems. My mother never drank in her life but the diabetes had affected her entire system. I remember many times having to give her her pills and feeding her on her bad days. I remember catching her eating things she was not supposed to and asking her why she was killing herself deliberately. I remember being angry with her because I knew that she didn't have much time left. I could see her deteriorating before me. I was ten when she passed away and my siblings were 16, 17 and 18 years old.
Through the years I have found through books that I read and people that I meet in passing that the only guarantee we have in this life is death. As I get older I think about my age and how I get closer to the age my mother was when she was at her worst right before dying. I see my sister now 40 years old and how she worries about her kids and wants to make sure she is there for them. I talked to her the other day about how many things she is doing different. The main thing is that she is healthy and that times are different. Science and technology have made strides and improvements for both sets of diseases and although we are all at risk there are very real possibilities if we just take care of ourselves.
So on the other side of the token when I see people that have their whole lives ahead of them and deliberately throw it away by not taking care of themselves it makes me feel a bit resentful. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I had gone out with someone not too long ago that shared with me as a right of passage I imagine that he was diabetic. As I looked at him he asked me if this was the part when I started to take care of him. I looked at him angry because I knew that for him he had a choice but he was choosing death every minute of every day that he would not eat the right foods or ingested the sugar that he ate daily. So I ended up walking away knowing in my heart what I wanted to say was No. This is the part where I walk away and you start loving yourself enough to take care of your own life. I've been down this path before and I refuse to go down that same path because someone doesn't care enough about themself to make the right choice.
So as the year comes to an end, nostalgia always sets in and my hope is that those of you out there love yourself enough to make the right choices if you have them to make. That you look at ailing parents with love and realize that there are many of us that would love to have just one more day with them. That if you have kids you choose to spend some time with them rather than putting in those extra hours at your job. That you take a moment to remember that every day you have is a gift and you get to choose what to do with this gift that you are given.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Aug 17, 2012
Mar 4, 2011
Life’s Metamorphosis
Sometimes revisiting past blogs and writings reminds you how far you've come or how to get back there... I ran into this old blog in my writings and it did a little of both...
Life’s Metamorphosis
Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis. ~Martha Beck
As the end of the year draws near, I find myself on this day of Thanksgiving reflecting on the meaning of today and what it truly means to give thanks. Now I know historically this day may be ill perceived by some, but traditions take on new meanings as time passes and at the very essence we should at least look at today as a day to say Thank You and to show gratitude to the things that truly matter to us.
I am grateful today for many reasons. I am healthy, happy, and surrounded by amazing people that inspire me daily. I have wonderful friends who are like family to me that show me that simple acts done in good faith are what truly matter. I am the closest that I have ever been to my family and I recognize that everything that I do and all that I am is because they have brought meaning to my life beyond measure. I accept myself, flaws and all, and I know that they don’t make me any less valuable. I know now that the fact that I know what my own flaws are what give me direction and a better sense of self. I thank my friends who were kind enough to point those perceived flaws out as unintentional as they may have made it seem but I hope that they recognize that perhaps what they may see as a flaw I see as one of my biggest strengths.
The past few weeks have brought many areas of transitions and acceptance. I accept the fact that I may not be good enough in the eyes of some people but I may be the one that others envy when seen through different eyes. I can’t change the way people feel but I can change the way I react to them and I can try to put myself in their shoes to understand where they may be coming from.
I find myself writing a new chapter in this book that is my life. In it, I am creating my own belief system built on the principles of love, compassion and forgiveness.
I know that sometimes those that you consider closest to your heart may say something or demean you without thinking. To those friends and loved ones I say thank you because I recognize now that it was not your words that offended me but rather my own perception of myself. It was the next thing that I needed to work on. I accept the fact that you may see my ‘vulnerability’ or ‘niceness’ as a weakness, but I also hope that you know that because I accept you as you are you will accept me as I am too.
I also recognize that at times I may be the one whose words may be taken as hurtful and critical. To those friends I apologize and please know that I would never intentionally hurt or offend another person simply because I know what it feels like to be there.
So on this day of Thanksgiving I say thank you to those that I am surrounded by on a daily basis. I say thank you to those that have moved on for simply having been in my life. I say thank you to my unconventional family who finds my ways a bit different from their own but who recognize that in following my heart I am staying true to myself.
This comes to you from the girl who has a passion for life, wears her heart on her sleeve, let’s her emotions get the best of her, likes to look for the best in everyone she meets and will always be there to give a helping hand. To some, this girl may seem weak, vulnerable, gullible or fragile. As for me, I see that having a passion for life drives me; wearing my heart on my sleeve shows compassion and love for the people that surround me; letting my emotions get the best of me shows my sensitivity for the feelings of others; looking for the good in people is my way of accepting them just as they are and my willingness to give a helping hand shows my humanitarian spirit. Those are things that matter to me and that I am grateful for.
mm 11/23/2006
Life’s Metamorphosis
Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis. ~Martha Beck
As the end of the year draws near, I find myself on this day of Thanksgiving reflecting on the meaning of today and what it truly means to give thanks. Now I know historically this day may be ill perceived by some, but traditions take on new meanings as time passes and at the very essence we should at least look at today as a day to say Thank You and to show gratitude to the things that truly matter to us.
I am grateful today for many reasons. I am healthy, happy, and surrounded by amazing people that inspire me daily. I have wonderful friends who are like family to me that show me that simple acts done in good faith are what truly matter. I am the closest that I have ever been to my family and I recognize that everything that I do and all that I am is because they have brought meaning to my life beyond measure. I accept myself, flaws and all, and I know that they don’t make me any less valuable. I know now that the fact that I know what my own flaws are what give me direction and a better sense of self. I thank my friends who were kind enough to point those perceived flaws out as unintentional as they may have made it seem but I hope that they recognize that perhaps what they may see as a flaw I see as one of my biggest strengths.
The past few weeks have brought many areas of transitions and acceptance. I accept the fact that I may not be good enough in the eyes of some people but I may be the one that others envy when seen through different eyes. I can’t change the way people feel but I can change the way I react to them and I can try to put myself in their shoes to understand where they may be coming from.
I find myself writing a new chapter in this book that is my life. In it, I am creating my own belief system built on the principles of love, compassion and forgiveness.
I know that sometimes those that you consider closest to your heart may say something or demean you without thinking. To those friends and loved ones I say thank you because I recognize now that it was not your words that offended me but rather my own perception of myself. It was the next thing that I needed to work on. I accept the fact that you may see my ‘vulnerability’ or ‘niceness’ as a weakness, but I also hope that you know that because I accept you as you are you will accept me as I am too.
I also recognize that at times I may be the one whose words may be taken as hurtful and critical. To those friends I apologize and please know that I would never intentionally hurt or offend another person simply because I know what it feels like to be there.
So on this day of Thanksgiving I say thank you to those that I am surrounded by on a daily basis. I say thank you to those that have moved on for simply having been in my life. I say thank you to my unconventional family who finds my ways a bit different from their own but who recognize that in following my heart I am staying true to myself.
This comes to you from the girl who has a passion for life, wears her heart on her sleeve, let’s her emotions get the best of her, likes to look for the best in everyone she meets and will always be there to give a helping hand. To some, this girl may seem weak, vulnerable, gullible or fragile. As for me, I see that having a passion for life drives me; wearing my heart on my sleeve shows compassion and love for the people that surround me; letting my emotions get the best of me shows my sensitivity for the feelings of others; looking for the good in people is my way of accepting them just as they are and my willingness to give a helping hand shows my humanitarian spirit. Those are things that matter to me and that I am grateful for.
mm 11/23/2006
Jul 11, 2009
Onyx & Zoe aka The Mutts that I Love
I had been wanting a little dog for some time. When I was about nine years old I was given a full-bred Pomeranian that we named Roddy (after the wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper..lol) that lasted a total of two days because he was stolen from my yard. Then when I was 17 I was given a full-bred miniature Poodle that I named Whiskey after my Uncle's drink of choice. Whiskey lasted a few years but he was more my brother's dog than mine since he had Angus (a Pitbull/Lab mix) and Lucas (a Rottweiller/Pitbull mix) and they all lived in the same doghouse. Whiskey ended up getting stolen too by this crazy old lady who lived down the street and basically refused to let us go in her yard and get our dog.
When I wanted to get a dog recently my brother was advocating against it saying that he would end up taking care of it. He would go to my sister's house and tell her that he didn't want me to get a dog and my sister asked him, "Since when do you take care of anything Marissa does and why do you think she will listen to you?" It makes me laugh because it's true.
In March of '07 I had called Mexico to talk to my Uncle and Aunt to see how they were doing and to check when they'd be back. My Aunt proceeds to tell me how the dog down the street had puppies and that they wanted to bring one home with them since my brother's dog Erin had recently died. I told my aunt that there were plenty of dogs in need of homes here and that we didn't need to import one from Mexico. The Mexican dog would have been perfect in theory though because I had always wanted to name my dog Frijolito ("Little Bean" in Spanish). My family came home in April but we didn't talk about it again. I did happen to mention to my brother though that I still wanted a dog and my aunt wanted one too so it was inevitable. He just said, "I don't want anymore dogs."
I had asked a friend advice on what kind of dog I should get and he suggested a terrier because it would be the smartest dog I could own and it would keep all the other dogs in check. So I started researching different types of terrier dogs to figure out which would be best for me.
In May of '07 I went to a baptism and ended up coming home with a bunny. I felt bad that it didn't have a home so I figured that I would have a bunny instead of a dog and I named it Chatita because her fur color looked like Horchata. While I was driving home my brother calls me to ask if I still wanted a dog. I told him I did and he said that he had a dog for me. So I asked him what the dog looked like. He said, "Who cares what it looks like, it's small and you said you wanted a small dog." So I told him, "Yes but I had a specific type of dog in mind." He then proceeds to tell me the story of this little dog that was being used as bait for Pitbull fights and that the little dog kept escaping from a yard somewhere in Rialto and that it was going to be taken to a pound because it wouldn't stay... So I said, "okay let's save this dog." I now had to figure out what to do with the bunny...
My brothers brought the dog home and when I looked at him I just fell in love with him. He was extremely hyper but loveable. He didn't look like a Frijolito. He was black and white and seemed to be some kind of a Spaniel mix. I thought what we could name him and so we started saying names out loud. My brother said hey what about Onyx and it clicked.
I had been studying gemstones for work and I remembered that Onyx is a gemstone that was naturally mainly black with some white veins. Some believe that gemstones have healing properties and Onyx is believed to foster inner truth, understanding, confidence and friendship. It's supposed to help relieve stress and give balance. What a great name for a little dog that has brought me more joy than I could have imagined and has helped in relieving some of the stressors that I had in my life.
It's taken some time to get Onyx to not jump over the fence in hopes of escaping. At his small stature (he weighs 17 lbs) he can still jump about 5 feet or so.
After a few months of having Onyx I was getting busier with work and I was trying to decide to move closer to work or not. If I moved, I would have to give up my dog to live in an apartment and I couldn't see myself without my little dog. So I decided to stay where I was and not move.
In February of this year my co-worker had mentioned that she had a little doxie that she needed to find a home for. I wanted to help so I asked around and when I mentioned it to my brother he suggested that maybe I should keep the dog. I went to visit my friend first to see how this dog would behave and I fell in love with her forceful personality immediatelyl so I had to bring her home. She's a long haired full-bred miniature dachshund and her name is Zoe.
Now Zoe has a very determined personality. She needs a lot attention and has a one track mind of playing 24/7. She is crate trained and house trained too so that made the addition all the easier.
At first Onyx was jealous. He wouldn't let Zoe near me and he wouldn't let her play with her toys. Zoe would bring the ball and want to play and Onyx would steal it and run away.
Since then they've made their peace and get along just fine. They are absolutely the best dogs ever and they appeal to my personality in different ways. Onyx is loving and cuddly and loves to just sit next to me while Zoe is active and wants to play all the time. She will bring her toy and put it next to you and sit while you throw it. If you take too long she'll nudge you with her nose. If you don't pay attention to her she'll nudge you again. I've been training her lately to put her own toys away and she does it most of the time. Meanwhile Onyx has now learned to leave his toys for you to throw.
The best part has been that I can see my Uncle and Aunt play with them as well. None of the dogs that we've had other than Angus have been allowed inside their house. My two pups are there usually with my uncle while he watches TV and when I ask him about it he'll tell me that they looked bored so he brought them in or my aunt will say that they wanted to play so she opened the gate for them to come next door. My Uncle will come over to cut the lawn in my yard and he'll complain that Zoe kept putting her toys on the lawnmower. Onyx will go to my aunt and race around inside the house before running outside again. He'll then jump on my brother's Bullmastiff Simon and then run back for safety inside my yard.
Onyx stealing toys from Zoe:
Zoe when I smuggled her into the office:
When I wanted to get a dog recently my brother was advocating against it saying that he would end up taking care of it. He would go to my sister's house and tell her that he didn't want me to get a dog and my sister asked him, "Since when do you take care of anything Marissa does and why do you think she will listen to you?" It makes me laugh because it's true.
In March of '07 I had called Mexico to talk to my Uncle and Aunt to see how they were doing and to check when they'd be back. My Aunt proceeds to tell me how the dog down the street had puppies and that they wanted to bring one home with them since my brother's dog Erin had recently died. I told my aunt that there were plenty of dogs in need of homes here and that we didn't need to import one from Mexico. The Mexican dog would have been perfect in theory though because I had always wanted to name my dog Frijolito ("Little Bean" in Spanish). My family came home in April but we didn't talk about it again. I did happen to mention to my brother though that I still wanted a dog and my aunt wanted one too so it was inevitable. He just said, "I don't want anymore dogs."
I had asked a friend advice on what kind of dog I should get and he suggested a terrier because it would be the smartest dog I could own and it would keep all the other dogs in check. So I started researching different types of terrier dogs to figure out which would be best for me.
In May of '07 I went to a baptism and ended up coming home with a bunny. I felt bad that it didn't have a home so I figured that I would have a bunny instead of a dog and I named it Chatita because her fur color looked like Horchata. While I was driving home my brother calls me to ask if I still wanted a dog. I told him I did and he said that he had a dog for me. So I asked him what the dog looked like. He said, "Who cares what it looks like, it's small and you said you wanted a small dog." So I told him, "Yes but I had a specific type of dog in mind." He then proceeds to tell me the story of this little dog that was being used as bait for Pitbull fights and that the little dog kept escaping from a yard somewhere in Rialto and that it was going to be taken to a pound because it wouldn't stay... So I said, "okay let's save this dog." I now had to figure out what to do with the bunny...
My brothers brought the dog home and when I looked at him I just fell in love with him. He was extremely hyper but loveable. He didn't look like a Frijolito. He was black and white and seemed to be some kind of a Spaniel mix. I thought what we could name him and so we started saying names out loud. My brother said hey what about Onyx and it clicked.
I had been studying gemstones for work and I remembered that Onyx is a gemstone that was naturally mainly black with some white veins. Some believe that gemstones have healing properties and Onyx is believed to foster inner truth, understanding, confidence and friendship. It's supposed to help relieve stress and give balance. What a great name for a little dog that has brought me more joy than I could have imagined and has helped in relieving some of the stressors that I had in my life.
It's taken some time to get Onyx to not jump over the fence in hopes of escaping. At his small stature (he weighs 17 lbs) he can still jump about 5 feet or so.
After a few months of having Onyx I was getting busier with work and I was trying to decide to move closer to work or not. If I moved, I would have to give up my dog to live in an apartment and I couldn't see myself without my little dog. So I decided to stay where I was and not move.
In February of this year my co-worker had mentioned that she had a little doxie that she needed to find a home for. I wanted to help so I asked around and when I mentioned it to my brother he suggested that maybe I should keep the dog. I went to visit my friend first to see how this dog would behave and I fell in love with her forceful personality immediatelyl so I had to bring her home. She's a long haired full-bred miniature dachshund and her name is Zoe.
Now Zoe has a very determined personality. She needs a lot attention and has a one track mind of playing 24/7. She is crate trained and house trained too so that made the addition all the easier.
At first Onyx was jealous. He wouldn't let Zoe near me and he wouldn't let her play with her toys. Zoe would bring the ball and want to play and Onyx would steal it and run away.
Since then they've made their peace and get along just fine. They are absolutely the best dogs ever and they appeal to my personality in different ways. Onyx is loving and cuddly and loves to just sit next to me while Zoe is active and wants to play all the time. She will bring her toy and put it next to you and sit while you throw it. If you take too long she'll nudge you with her nose. If you don't pay attention to her she'll nudge you again. I've been training her lately to put her own toys away and she does it most of the time. Meanwhile Onyx has now learned to leave his toys for you to throw.
The best part has been that I can see my Uncle and Aunt play with them as well. None of the dogs that we've had other than Angus have been allowed inside their house. My two pups are there usually with my uncle while he watches TV and when I ask him about it he'll tell me that they looked bored so he brought them in or my aunt will say that they wanted to play so she opened the gate for them to come next door. My Uncle will come over to cut the lawn in my yard and he'll complain that Zoe kept putting her toys on the lawnmower. Onyx will go to my aunt and race around inside the house before running outside again. He'll then jump on my brother's Bullmastiff Simon and then run back for safety inside my yard.
Onyx stealing toys from Zoe:
Zoe when I smuggled her into the office:
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