Family Politics or On Being ‘Just A Niece’

Family Politics or On Being ‘Just A Niece’
Written June 2007

The last week has been especially trying and enlightening at the same time. My uncle that raised me became ill. He is one of the healthiest people I know even though he doesn’t really follow the rules of the game. The rules of the game as I’ve heard through the grapevine is that he should not drink, smoke, eat red meat and eggs because they all cause some type of illness or disease. My uncle drinks, smokes, eats meat and eggs every day and has a clean bill of health – no cholesterol, no high blood pressure, no lung cancer, no liver problems. You look at him and you would never think that he is 73 years old.

Last Sunday I walk into the house to say hello and I notice that my uncle is not doing any of the things he most enjoys. I also notice that he isn’t saying very much and he seems to be quite feverish. He’s not even paying attention to his soccer game which is the biggest indicator that something is wrong. My uncle never ignores a game.

I ask my aunt about it and she tells me he isn’t feeling well. I ask her if I should call his doctor and she says that he doesn’t want us to do anything. He gets upset that I am showing concern. Knowing my uncle and his machista ways I walk away but I still can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with him.

On Monday morning I call my sister and tell her that I feel something is wrong. She then mentions that my aunt called her at 6 am to tell her he is shaking and can’t eat or drink anything. My sister asks at that time if we should call the doctor or paramedics and again my uncle says no. My sister then decides to get another opinion and has my brother go check on him. My brother says he is fine so she leaves it alone. By the time I call my sister it is 11 am. I ask her to please call again and check on him. The relationship that I have with my uncle is very different from the one she has with him so I know that he will not be upset with her for showing concern.

At 1 pm I receive a phone call to go home because they’ve called the paramedics and my uncle is in the hospital. I feel this large lump in my throat because I know that it took a lot for him to accept the help and if the help means paramedics this is not a good thing.

I arrive at the hospital after having been stuck in traffic for over an hour and my brother is outside. I ask if he’s been inside yet and he says no. My other brother traveled with them to the hospital but left when my cousin (their daughter) arrived.

I walk in the hospital with my brother to go and see him and am stopped by the front desk emergency room staff asking me who I am here to see. The woman asks what relation I am to the patient. At first I say I am his niece and then quickly follow it by ‘Well he’s pretty much my father because he raised me’. Then they let us in. I already know that if I say he is my uncle they will not let us in.

I get to his bedside and he has an IV and is receiving antibiotics. I’ve never seen my uncle in such a fragile state and it scares me to think that at some point of time this is going to be a regular thing.

My cousin (their daughter – technically her daughter only but who’s counting bloodline at this point) is sitting with my aunt at his bedside. One of the nursing staff comes by saying that only two visitors are allowed at a time. My aunt gets up and says that she’s been there a long time and I should sit with him. My cousin who had already been there for over an hour doesn’t budge so my brother goes outside with my Aunt. I ask him if he wants to stay before he walks out but he just looks at me and I know that I should sit down.

My sister arrives as well as his daughter-in-law and grandchild. We all want to see how he is doing. We worry more when we find out his fever is 103.7. We joke that it sounds like a radio station but nervous laughter isn’t the same as regular laughter.

… three hours later….

My uncle is admitted and moved to the third floor for observation. The nurse walks in and at this point it is my Aunt, my cousin (their daughter) and I in the room with my uncle. The nurse then proceeds to question who we are. My cousin promptly begins to answer saying, ‘This is his wife and I am his daughter’. The nurse looks at me and says, ‘Who are you?’. As I am about to respond, my cousin promptly responds, ‘Her? She’s just his niece.’ At that moment I just kind of swallowed and didn’t say a word. I am usually the girl that has witty or sarcastic comebacks but there is a time and place for everything. And right now my concern is that my Uncle get better.

The nurse then proceeds to ask about my uncle’s medical history. My cousin tries to answer about his drinking by saying he drinks 3 to 4 glasses of whiskey a day. The nurse seems really concerned so I clarify saying, ‘Actually it’s more like three to four two-ounce shots mixed with club soda and ice. The nurse then changes her demeanor and says, ‘Well that’s not too bad. Whiskey is good for you.’ Next question the nurse asks about his smoking habits and my cousin says that he smokes everyday. The nurse wants us to be more specific. My cousin stays silent so I say, ‘He smokes one cigarette with every drink so about three to four unfiltered cigarettes a day is what he smokes.’ The questioning continues on about his allergies, his eating habits, his general health and recent medical exams. These are all questions that I end up answering. By the end of the conversation the nurse is asking me questions directly and I answer without hesitation.

My cousin ends up leaving at about 7 pm indicating that she has a family to attend to. I end up staying with my Aunt and Uncle and leave about 9 pm once he is settled in for the night. I talk to the nurses about how long he is going to be there and they tell me to check tomorrow morning. They ask for my contact information in case there’s an emergency. I take my aunt to get some food and head home for the night.

For the next two days I end up having to work from home since my Aunt does not drive. I go in the morning to check on him and talk to the nurses. I end up taking him something to eat because he doesn’t like hospital food. Back and forth all day long. My routine has changed completely and I am going to sleep at 2 to 3 am each night so that I can both do my job and be there for my Aunt and Uncle when they need me.

By Wednesday evening my Uncle is going to be released. By now, my sister has noticed how much my Aunt relies on me and how much I am expected to do for them. It’s something I’ve always told my siblings but in a small way I feel redeemed that she finally understands. That it’s not just a figment of my imagination. Even though others offer to help my Aunt still expects me to do things for her.

I think about situations like this where I am ‘Just a Niece’. Never a daughter. That is my reality. I understand that and I know that my place in this home is not of a daughter but of a niece. I understand that that’s just the way it is and always going to be. They may love me in their own way but I will never be of pure enough blood to be their daughter. Their daughter (who again is technically only her daughter) will always be next of kin and will continue to point out that I am ‘Just a niece.’ That’s just in case I forget…

I write this story not to point fingers at anyone or to make anyone feel ill at ease. My hope is that others understand that situations of awkwardness like this can be avoided. It is not necessary to point out the obvious. Once you become an orphan you realize very quickly that you are no longer anyone’s child. The bloodlines have been broken and the cards have been dealt. It is something that you never forget. We know our place in this hierarchy deemed Family.

~Risa del Mar